Resting like a rebel

During January and February I felt a bit low, like every year. Nothing too serious. But low energy and withdrawn, wanting to sleep, read. And sleep. And read.

Fall I can deal with quite well. I see the leafs changing, the light fading, and I get this can make people weary or sad, but it does not really affect me. Often I think: now it's already December! Now it is already new year! The winter will be over soon! And then January comes around and I feel like shit.

This winter I tried to better understand what happens during these months. And this is my current assumption. I am afraid of 'the nothingness'. Of the silence, the dark. Things are happening underground, I do know that, but when you look around -in nature at least- you see emptiness, the nothing.

In the movie The Never Ending Story a young warrior needs to stop the Nothing, a dark force, from destroying the world of Fantasia. Fantasia represents imagination and is without boundaries, while the Nothing is the loss of hopes and dreams. And this may be exactly how I feel every year during this time: as if I need to fight the nothingness, escape it, trick it, because... what will I find when I go into the silence, the dark, will I loose all hope and dreams?

So I dared myself this year. To give in to the nothingness. To give up my hopes and dreams and try (try!) to trust that things would be ok. To prioritise rest and reflection. And I felt like a radical! I went to bed shamelessly early, and slept, and read.

And I stumbled upon Laura Storm's and Giles Hutchins' book 'Regenerative Leadership'. They talk about the 'Journey of separation' in which we became disconnected from nature, and from 'the logic of life'. And one of the principles of the ‘logic of life’, Hutchins & Storm write, is that:

Life is cyclic and seasonal: Life unfolds through ebbs and flows of cycles and seasons. We are all cyclical beings in need of the processes that all seasons bring: The emergence of spring, the intensity of summer, the letting go in autumn, and the deep restoration and reflection of winter. Our inner and outer ecosystems need all phases to thrive.

And even though this sounded quite logical, it hit me in a new way. Even though I practice yoga and mediation, even though I made the change from working in a corporate to studying social transitions and systemic change, even though I feel I already got out of (the center of) the ratrace - I do also still believe, somewhere, deep inside, my purpose is to keep going, stay productive, and deliver.

As if we would stand above these silly natural laws: great for nature, but not us! No us, people, we keep going, all day long, all year long, all of our lives. Yes and fair enough, one day we die but we are working on that as well!

And now it is March and I see the first snowdrops and crocuses bloom. I feel more energised and filled with ideas. Not thinking I shóuld have ideas, keep going, stay productive, and deliver. But feeling, being full of plans. Like little snowdrops wanting, needing to grow.

This morning I thought I should maybe anti-date this blog post so that it was less obvious there was a gap during these winter months. to pretend I kept going, stayed productive, and delivered. But now I think: no. There was silence. I did not have that much to say. And now, there are the early signs of spring and I wánt to write, I wánt to share my thinking.

And I wonder: how much different would our world look if we would dare more often to winter. To be silent. To let the soil rest. So that new sprouts can appear. Not because we believe they must. But because there is no other way. Rest as a revolution.